the name of the game is humiliation and thanks for your admiration

I swear my life is nothing but a damn roller coaster. At this point in time I feel like I'm on one of those first couple of loops before the big one but I'm stuck upside down and not moving. I hate not knowing what's going to happen soon. I feel that its not going to work out in the way that I have hoped and that would be bad. I wish I could just get ALL of your thoughts out at once and what the future is going to hold for us. Am I going to finish the loop and keeping heading through the twists and turns? Or am I going to fall out of the ride all on my own?

On another thought, I read a bunch of letters today that made me feel really awkward. It made me feel like I was a repeat, a close replica of someone else and it creeped me out a lot. I feel like I'm just like all the others from everything I read and it made me kind of sad because I feel like I'm nothing different, I'm not special, I'm the same old same old with a new twist. I don't know, maybe I'm being dumb but I swear there were too many things that were alike to not think these things.

let me take you there, i wanna take you there

So after getting it off my chest and telling erik what I had decided..I'm kind of excited. I mean I don't know his feelings on everything yet because he had to leave again but we have almost a month together when I get to hawaii to discuss all our plans on what we're going to do. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself but I feel super impatient to know his thoughts and wants and needs on the situation. I'm hoping that my thoughts and ideas for tomorrow will pan out the way that I want them to and I can really get things started this week before I leave. It ould give me something to look forward to sooner and distract me from the excitement of leaving next Monday. Also, I've got to start fessing up to people soon about everything. I'm only really nervous about telling my parents the truth but I know I need to do it. I was going to do it while I was in Hawaii but now it seems like it would be best if I told them before I left. Or maybe I'll just tell them everything all at once when I get back but they might freak out on me. lol. Either way, I'm ready to start telling everyone everything so I'll stop feeling so damn anxious all the time!

when I'm falling down, you've got to pick me up

That statement is very true at the moment and that's why I've finally made a decision about my dot issue. I cried pretty hard about what I was going to do and I can't handle it. Just the image of it sent every memory I have of it flooding back into my head. I know that I won't be able to do it later if I can't even handle the thought right now. I know you said you're going to support me no matter what I decide so I hope you stick to you word. Its too much for me to handle alone. I have to admit that I feel a million times better now that I have made a decision.

you can take it or leave it, i prefer that you keep it

Shit shit shit shit shit...the only words that can seem to come out of my mouth right now. I don't even know what to say. I was terrified that this would happen and when I started seeing signs and everything I knew it. I tried to lie to myself but its pretty clear and evident now. I don't know how to tell you or anyone for that matter. I'm scarred shitless.

amber is the color of your energy

I'm having trouble realizing that I have 2.5 weeks until hawaii. haha. I mean I'm so super stoked but I feel like its not real though still. Its awesome that I get to go to hawaii but I'm really honestly just ready to see erik again. Everyone is always asking me how I'm able to deal with him being so far away and all I can say is I don't know because I really don't. I'm going through major withdrawals yes but I haven't had a major break down yet. I feel like its coming but I think it will happen after I get back home from hawaii. I know once I go out there I won't want to leave him for nothing in the world. He makes me feel incredible and all I want is to be with him. Spend the rest of my life with him. I know he wants me to go back to school and yes I do too but if it doesn't work out that I can go back I'm really going to have trouble staying here. All I'll do is be this sadden person who's always missing him and smiles everyday to try and fake it through. =(

you could be happy and i won't know...

After reading certain feelings of others I thought I would reflect on them. In 4 years, there was more drama and infidelity in a relationship than should ever be. Through all that though, was I ever happy. Yes. I was. A couple of times. Those first few months were amazing. You treated me so well(i thought) and wrote to me constantly and we spent so much time together. Of course that bit me in the ass later but whatever. Then it was rough through the ups and downs of me and kyle and everything else. I was finally starting to get better and I was becoming happy about our relationship again. Then bam! I find out about you and Jessie hanging out behind my back again. Everything falls again. But the last and I have to say THE HAPPIEST time in our relationship would be the begining of this year. From February to April. I had never felt your love like I did then. You made me so incredibly happy, I thought then in those months that everything was finally going to be okay and we would actually move on and technically start our relationship over the right way for once. Of course, fate didn't have that in the cards for us. We found out about our surprise and then you destroyed every last ounce of my being. Everything was over at this point. I don't know why we even tried anymore. Well I guess I didn't because you said plenty that night with Alison. I don't think you ever and still don't understand what you did to me. Just the mere thought of it makes me cry, like I'm doing now. I don't expect anything from you anymore. Not even friendship really. I'd like it but I know I won't really receive it. You're blinded by "something" that I think will destroy you and hurt you but you won't look at it like that. You don't see what everyone else sees. I only wish you happiness.

this isn't how i go...

I'm just going to pretend that you AREN'T being the asshole I know you are. You KNOW its unfair and COMPLETELY wrong for you to try and place the blame of an accident that you were in, in YOUR car on me. It was technically both of our faults but for your parents to try and say fuck her and put the financial responsibility for something I didn't do is ridiculous. I know that you're parents never liked me, that's okay. You keep blowing me off everytime I try to talk to you or try to make amends to things, that's okay too. This though, is not okay and I can't even believe that you would do this to me. I thought you cared for me but I guess a new twinkle has caught your eye and dropped any notion of me.


Now I will try to breathe. I can't believe how lucky I am to have you. When I'm upset you are understanding, you don't force yourself on me, you wait for me to come to you. Every flaw I have or have done that I tell you, you brush off and tell me how you don't love me any less for it.
I don't know how we had the random possibility of meeting but a day never goes by that you don't make me smile. You can be 4, 500 miles away (which you're about to be!!!) and still make me the happiest girl in the world. You ARE my one and only.

i'm miles from where you are..

Man, talk about a test of time. The thought of being alone for so long scares me to death and I don't know why. Like right now (and usually as of lately when I wasn't in VA) I'm all alone sitting by myself. There's no one here and all I hear are the sounds of the people outside. My friends don't come around that often because they're busy or have some stupid excuse as to why they can't do things. The one person I thought who would never leave my side has been gone for weeks. Not that its a bad thing, its probably for the best because he's moving on and becoming happy again but it still sucks either way. Then I have the most amazing guy I have ever known but he's gone and I miss him more than anything and there's nothing I can do about it for another 46 days. Time makes the heart grow fonder well fuck that, lol. It doesn't make my tears stop falling that's for sure. I don't know, I just need my friends and everyone more than ever right now but they're no where to be found and who would of guessed?

you'll always be my thunder so bring on the rain

I honestly don't know what I'm going to do once you leave. You're going to be so far away and I'm going to be so upset that I won't be able to talk to you for like a month and a half and its going to suck more than anything. I'm trusting you with my whole heart and I pray that you won't screw me over. When I said I wanted to keep you forever I meant it. I just hope you want to keep me for just as long too. I love you.

the smoke it sank into my skin

I've finally realized how often I let my insecurities take over and make me freak out and I'm going to try and put a stop to it. I was so upset and didn't know what to do last night because I let certain things get to me. I was locking myself and my feelings up and away from erik because I was feeling so insecure. But being the amazing boy he is, he knew something was wrong with me and begged me to talk to him about it and after getting it off my chest for the most part and talking to him I felt a thousand times better. I've never had someone care so sincerely much for me in my life. He can comfort me by saying and doing the littlest things. He notices things that I don't expect him to notice and all I can do is adore him for it. He makes me so estatically happy and I want to spend forever with him. Erik Benjamin Gustafson, I love you.

its clear in my head, i'm screaming for something...

"The first degree was a riot
You were making sure
My lesson's learned
I'm not ashamed but I'm trying
I've come to expect the standards you have set...
Tell me just how dangerous is second best
You've settled for less and I'm sure you'll settle again"

help me come back down high above the clouds

I don't mean to run
But Every time you come around
I Feel more alive, than ever
And I guess it's too much
Maybe we're too young
And I don't even know what's real
But I know I never...

Wanted anything so bad
I've never wanted anyone so bad

If I let you love me
Be the one adored
Would you go all the way
Be the one I'm looking for

love me like the world is ending

I'm trying to convince myself to just listen to the stars because they've never steered me wrong but these last few days have been challenging. I'm just too much of a girl sometimes and over think things I believe, or at least that's what I'm telling myself. I guess I just want to be loved like the world is ending, in my eyes.

Yayness for new music too! I've been pumping my ears full of new songs and new bands. I've enjoyed it. I'll have to take time and do each band individual soon though so I can appreciate them all, lol.

I miss mr. gustafson.

well i trip over everything you say

Since you have found my blogspot I don't really have anything to hide, lol. Everything I have posted have been honest feelings with no hiding which I'm good at doing so here's my heart.

If you haven't read already, I'm falling for you fast and I'm hoping that its a good thing. You made me feel like you have the same feelings towards me after talking to you on the phone the other night. Maybe they're not as strong or maybe they're stronger, I don't know but as long as they are real. I'm tired of false feelings that lead to nothing. You truely are amazing to me.

This is random but I noticed when we played circle of death tonight that you said you had never truly loved someone and that made me sad. I think everyone should feel that feeling of never wanting to be with anyone else, EVER. I obviously have felt that and have been there but was screwed over because I had a boyfriend who used me for the first two years we were together and ruined those feelings for me. I know this is risky to say but if things work out..and I just edited what was written here because..well its better left unsaid right now.

Overall I guess I only have one true worry with us but we'll get to that discussion another day.

i admit that i'm just a fool for you, i'm just a fool for you

its definitely official, if you couldn't tell already...i'm completely head over heels for erik benjamin gustafson and its pretty ridiculous. yeah things are a little more abnormal than how most couples would prefer but I love every minute of it. he makes me so happy words can't describe it. its nice to know that everything isn't one sided for once. he's actually there to let me know i'm wanted. he's everything i could ask for. ♥

I have this dream where we're back in the hotel room, and you propose to me, and every single time, I say yes.

"It's just a dream right?"

"Yes, but its my dream."


This is extremely pathetic but I can't help it. Becca and I went on a search around Wilmington to find all of the O.T.H. scenes. It was amazing. It took 2 hours to find River court. Well we found it the first time but then didn't think it was it so we left and then found out that it had indeed been the right place. So we got out and walked over to it and there it was. Sadly, barely visible, endearing love letter to Lucas. It made us wayy too happy and sad at the same time. We found out that they were shooting there earlier that day too so we got a little more giddy about it. Then later we accidently found Clothes Over Bro's and were estatic as well. We're such geeks. OTH is amazingly perfect and honest and realistic to how things would turn out in the real world I believe. Lucas and Peyton make it easier to "believe" that love really can last forever, even if we're stubborn.

no, i won't let them take you, won't let them take you, hell no no

Okay okay so I was definitely being a silly girl. I mean yes I had a reason to wonder but that's all cleared up now. Everything I wanted to know or had questions to were answered tonight and I'm super happy and excited at the same time. He is amazing.

this story's old but it goes on and on until we disappear

Ah! Why am I a stupid ass girl?! I don't know what to think about this whole situation. I've never been as "awe" as I am now...not even with DKW. I mean don 't get me wrong he is awesome as well but this time its different. I feel like this is my chance to break away and move on to a new life with bigger and better things but I know its just not going to happen for me. The guy I'm falling for is amazing and I just can't get enough of him. I've never had anyone make me feel like this in a VERY long time. He constantly smothers me with kisses and holds me and cuddles me and makes me feel like I'm something important to him. Even with his friends, he's not embarassed to show his affection to me. I just want to be his, I want that power to say I am. I mean yes, I could marry him and get free money but I would want him to marry me for more than just money reasons. I can tell that I mean more than just money to him, I can see it in his eyes and the way he treats me but I don't know. I think I'm just being a stupid girl about the whole situation. When I try to think about it rationally I think maybe I'm just trying to rush things. I'm tired of waiting like I've stated to many people time and time again. I want to be happy and married and stable and feel loved by that one person who makes me feel like the rest of the world doesn't matter to them. *sigh*

you must be drinking again

When one door closed another one did in fact open and I'm loving every moment I can possibly get! I feel so childish but I can't help it.

"When I watch you, I wanna do you right where you're standing (yeah) Right on the foyer, on this dark day, right in plain view (oh yeah) Of the whole ghetto. The boots stomp meadows, but we ignore that (yeah) You're lovely, baby. This war is crazy. I won't let you down (Oh no no)"

don't let the days go by..

I've been sitting here thinking over and wondering about how things don't happen in the way or order that you want them too. I had a perfect opportunity to take a chance with a new beginning in a way but I was unsure of the situation and didn't speak up. I was like a week short and now there's nothing for me to do about it but wait. I'm head over heels for something that won't be for a long time and it sucks because its all I want right now. Its just one of those things that just click and you know it. Maybe next time I won't be so stupid and naive.

remember we used to not be one but two...

see the problem is that I already loved you before the decision was made,
i wanted you, i honestly and truly did, but i couldn't have you,
not yet.

i'm so sorry for everything i've done to you,
all it took was a couple of deep breaths and you were gone.

and i can't take it back,
you can't give back a heartbeat.

i keep telling myself to just breathe,
but its hard when you're suffocating in your own skin.


"They call her name at 7:30 I pace around the parking lot Then I walk down to buy her Flowers And sell some gifts that I got Cant you see Its not me youre dying for Now shes feeling more alone Than she ever has before

As weeks went by It showed that she was not fine They told me son its time To tell the truth And she broke down and I broke Down cause I was tired of lying Driving back to her apartment For the moment were alone Shes alone And Im alone Now I know it"

I can't take my eyes off of you...

Things have been going a lot better with me and Chris. Less fighting and arguing and I'm glad. I'm over yelling about every little thing that goes on. Yes, I fucked up before but now I'm fixing it and changing all of that person of me. I think I just got around the wrong person and things went for the worst.

I know this is going to sound bad but I'm over this winterguard season. I'm tired of the drama its causing and all the overdramatic scenes that certain people keep putting on. We don't spin together at all and we all know it. We only have 3-4 more shows before Dayton and eh, idk. We can't keep the show the same, it keeps changing, and yes that does happen but not in the major ways ours has. And to be honest I don't really like the changes except for the ending.

Let's see I have about a week or so until I have to be moved out and I'm not having any real luck with finding a place. The only places that I might have an okay with is in Raleigh/Cary and I'm trying not to go out that far. So I dont' know what I'm going to do yet. Hopefully something will come up soon within the next day or so. Otherwise I'm screwed.

Btw, I know I brought this up before but some people who are my "friends" are really starting to piss me off. If you're not going to be on my side and understand me than what's the point of us being friends? There are some other deeper issues there but I'm not going to get into it.

it'll happen again in its due time

Life is so confusing right now. I don't know what I want out of it or what I'm suppose to do in the near future. Not even the closest of friends can understand right now either. They judge me. I'm just going to keep listening to the stars because they keep being right and I love them for it. Here's what going on for tomorrow/today: "Feelings that were tying your nerves in knots may be released dramatically today. It's time for you to breathe a deep sigh of relief as you are set free from an impossible situation. Taking responsibility for your life is surely a step in the right direction, but it doesn't mean that you can avoid serious long-term issues. Graciously accept what's on your plate while you work to improve your position." And of course I have to leave lyrics or it wouldn't be complete.

"I hate to love you, cause you're the one i'd love to hate. And i'm sure i'll take you back, it's only just a matter of days. Deny, deny, apologize it'll happen again. In its due time."

here i go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you...

I have a lot to say but its not going to come out right yet so until then.....

Well I thought that we could sit around and, talk for hours
about things I couldn't say to you
and things that we could never do and,
This conversation has had no face
when the words take days you can re-write and erase anything

you know my heart (so tell me all thats needed, cause i don't really want this)
knows all this

and I'll borrow words from all my favorite paragraphs
to write about all of these faded things
we hope would mean the most to me
and each line is sent i have found a new pages of hope
for the days when i fell like I've lost everything

But, I'll be ok (Is that what you want me to say) It's called breakup Cause it's broken

but under your covers more torture than pleasure

good torture that is but i can't help it. its on my mind daily and its all i can think about sometimes. i guess just because its just been lately but whatev. i know that might make me an awful person but its a habit that I apparantly can't break no matter how hard i try. this summer will help fix this problem but until then its just there staring me in the face with its cocky smirk and tempting eyes. ah, it won't leave my mind!


"I know that to go on, I'll break you, my habit."