can i lie with you in your grave?

Ah, nothing can make me feel better than GOOD music! All the new cd's these last couple of months have been amazing! They are all so good and make me happy! :) Anywho, Evan is getting bigger and bigger, I can't believe he is going to be 4 months in 2 weeks! That's just insane for me to imagine. He is finally figuring out his hands and loves his jumperoo now! As for decisions, I'm going crazy! I'm SOOO ready to be out of this house and into a new one that's more practical. I am perfectly content with base housing but some husband of mine does not want to move into base housing so we're on the search for an off base house but haven't really had any luck yet. I did find some nice housing with army base housing that I'm actually going to look at tomorrow so maybe I'll get lucky and find something there. All I want is a nice 3 bedroom house so that we have a room for us, a room for ev's, and a guest room until we have a second baby. Also, a backyard that the dogs can't get out of since smush and chunky are escape artist. I guess I'm glad noodle is a tattle tell though! Speaking of baby, I know its crazy but I want to go ahead and get the second one over with! haha, i know! I thought it was crazy when Holli talked about having her second one when Hayden was only 2-3 months old but I completely understand now! I already hate my body as it is and I don't want to work ridiculously hard to lose the rest of this weight just to gain it all back again in a year. Erik isn't agreeing with a second one already though so it seems I will have to be losing all the weight. I use to want a girl as my second kid soo bad but now, I don't really care. I would be happy with another boy or girl. So I guess we will see!

i wanna be your last, first kiss, for all of time

I am COMPLETELY convinced that I have THE most beautiful baby boy ever. Call me crazy but I firmly believe this! He makes my days better with just one of those gorgeous gummy smiles. I can't resist them, nothing is more precious. I never thought I would understand it but I do now, he makes life worth living. I am also fully convinced that I have the most amazing husband, hands down. He loves me so much that its ridiculous! I've never had someone I could fully trust with all of my being and never have a worry in the world that's because of him. He almost had me in tears the other night talking about our relationship. Everything he said was true though, we do have the strongest bond and get along better than any couple I've ever known. I thought that maybe we just hadn't gotten to that rough spot yet but its been over a year and we've only grown closer and stronger. He spoils me like crazy too, which is always a bonus, haha. But honestly, I do believe that my cards were dealt in a very strange but well manner. I love my little family, nothing will ever change that.

ever so sweet

Evan Gabriel Gustafson has finally arrived and now 1 month old tomorrow! He's getting so big so fast its crazy. There's nothing cuter or more precious than him. I can just watch him sleep and look around for hours and hours. It took so long to fathom that he's actually mine. That he was the huge lump in my tummy, he was the pain in my ribs, he was the constant thumping for months. Now I just want to show him to the whole world and kiss his little face constantly. I don't know what I would do without him or Erik. Erik is such a good daddy speaking of as well. I thought that he would get overwhelmed and panic once Evan got here and he was the exact opposite. I was the one that got overwhelmed but it could be because I was the only one who could feed him for the first 2 weeks. Erik changes him and talks to him and snuggles with him while we're sleeping. There is nothing more attractive than his love for Evan.

6 Weeks & 4 days to go...

Until Baby Evan is here that is! I'm getting so impatient now, I'm ready for him to be here. I went and bought a bunch of things we needed for him yesterday and now everything is all set up for him. I put the car seat base in as well because it was in the way. I'll put the actual car seat in there in a couple of weeks, I don't want it to get dirty. I also already started packing Evan's diaper bag and my hospital bag too, lol. I just need to wash all the newborn outfits and bouncer cover and everything will be good to go. I want him to come early so bad, so as soon as I hit the 36 week mark I'm going to do every natural induction possible! Well..not castor oil, I just can't talk myself into that at all. Only 46 more days or less to go!

my first thought is always you

I am hopelessly and uncontrollably in love with my husband. I don't have to question our furture or what's going to happen later in our lives. I finally feel completely stable with no worries about what he "might" do when I'm not there. His actions and words constantly reassure me everyday that he loves me. With our little one on the way it just seems like a fairytale. Everything is falling into place and working to almost perfection. I've never been so happy in my life.

What's in a name?

A whole hell of a lot I say. Soooo we still don't have an official name for the baby yet because Erik won't take the time to actually decide on one. He thinks my names are okay but nothing that pops out as "that's it!" or so he claims. I really wish he would hurry up already because I want our baby to have a damn name already! Speaking of I started feeling him kick a couple of days ago its pretty cool and funny. He'll do it all day long but only occassionally will he do it hard it enough for anyone to really feel it. Of course the few times he does do it that hard Erik isn't around which is disappointing.

Other than that I'm trying to decide if I want to fly home one last time before I can't anymore. I can fly for free but Noodle on the other hand is going to cost out of the ass to fly because of Hawaii's STUPID animal laws. Why do they have to be so damn strict?! I guess I don't really have much of a reason to come home other than to see a couple of people and my Smush. I've missed her so much its ridiculous. I think about her everyday and can't wait to have her little smushed face here with me again. *sniffles* She also had her puppies yesterday. She had a total of 7 but one didn't make it unfortunately. :( I know I don't need another dog but I would really like to keep one of her puppies possibly. Erik doesn't really care either way, he said it was fine but I would have to realize I can't have it for a long time of course because of ONCE AGAIN hawaii!

i'll tap the break while you crack the window

The news is finally out after holding it in for the last 3.5 months. I'm so glad to be able to talk about it now instead of trying to hide it from everyone. All the family on both sides are really excited so that's a relief for sure. I have an appointment tomorrow where I will HOPEFULLY(crosses fingers) find out if its a girl or boy. I was really wanting a boy but now that I've found a girl's name that I like, I would be happy with either. I bought this little Intelligender thing that's suppose to be 90% accurate on the sex. I'm going to take it in the morning and see what it says and then if I get the ultrasound done then I will know for sure if it was right or not. I'm just super excited to find out which one its going to be so I can start buying and decorating. :)

happiness is everything :)

I have never had someone do what you did last night. That meant so much to me that you are willing to give it up. You know how much you hurt me by doing that because you read it in my emails but you definitely took a step that I really didn't think you were going to take to fix it. I know she's pissed, really pissed but its just too much. I can't deal with all of that again. Nothing made me feel like you loved me as much as you do, until you did that last night and I am very grateful. You are the best I could of asked for and more. I love you mister and can't wait to be there with you.

and its taking its wear..

Ugh, not only do I think about it constantly but I have to dream about it too! The first one was just some person in general and it made me sad but not that big of deal. But this last one I just had was awful awful awful. Everything that could of happened and gone bad did. Samantha was the slutty bitch as expected and he just kept doing it. Kept going on and on and nothing I said or did mattered until finally I got mad enough that I through her out of the room and got on top of him. Then and ONLY then did I have his attention. I'm so pissed and angry right now and I know I really shouldn't be but I can't help it. It just feeds to my fire and makes it worse! It would probably help if I could talk to his ass and resolve some of these issues but I haven't heard a word from him all week, I'm sure when I finally do it will end badly and into a huge argument but one that is seriously needed to take care of all this shit. I'm so over feeling like this. I've done it long enough before and I'm not going to let it happen again. This time I'm going to make sure its taken care of.

while my mother waters plants my father loads his gun

Today was so disappointing. I went through all that effort for really nothing. I mean I got some stuff done but I didn't get what I really wanted done because "people" are retarded and wouldn't let me/us. So I have to wait until the 26th and hope that maybe MAYBE I will get to see what I wanted too FINALLY. I'm just so impatient and I can't stand waiting for anything but everyone knows that, lol.

So the movers are coming the 27th and then I'm off to Hawaii on the 28th of this month which is exciting but sad at the same time. I'm really only going to miss like 3 people..maybe 4 but that's it. I'm ready to move on and start a new life, I just wish I could drag those 3-4 people with me. I know one is going to be especially hard to say goodbye to but I don't want to think about that yet. =/ I'll be in touch though because I'm sure I'll be out of my mind until Erik is done coming and going so much. At least if they'll ever come see me or want to go on vacation they will have a place to stay. I'll have a free round trip ticket soon enough so maybe they can fight to the death for it. lol.