In the morning I'll be with you but it will be a different kind...

My world fell apart last night and seems to be continuing to do so. I never thought on our 3rd year we would be here. This is hell.

Inspire

For day two its about what inspires you. Other photographers are what inspire me to keep going and learning as much as possible. So here's to all of you amazing photogs. <3

Passionate

Day One - My best trait is I'm passionate. Whether it be about my son, my friends, my photography, anything. I dive in and put my whole heart into the things I love and I have no problem expressing it to anyone. I will forever express my emotions to the fullest and be passionate about them.

the love in my life

I want a second baby soooo bad. I think about it constantly. I've wanted one since Evan was 8 months old and I thought someone else was on bored with it or at least he pretended to be. The plan shifted to try for a second when Evan was 1.5 years old then pushed to 2 years old and now I don't see it happening at all. Evan is all the happiness in my life, he makes feel incredible knowing that something so amazing could actually exist. I just don't know how anyone could not want to multiply that?! Its that greatest gift I've ever received and I just want a house full of babies at this point. I'm sure I'll change my mind on that last part but still. Not to mention I'm sooooo incredibly jealous of my friends because they all have two and some counting! Their husbands actually are actually excited by the thought of a new child coming into their lives where mine shuns the idea of it. I just don't understand it at all. I'm so thankful for Evan and would love nothing more than to have a sibling for him to grow up with and share his secrets to and learn to share better and love someone on his level. I'm not sure that day is coming though and it makes not only my heart hurt for myself but for him as well. :/

where do i go from here?

Things are horrible. There's nothing but fighting and apathy all at the same time. Jenny came and visited me and even she was able to call out stuff that I have been feeling for a while now and she knew nothing of the situation. I want more than anything for everything to play out right in the end but I feel like its a roller coaster battle they may never end.

On top of it all, I'm lonelier than ever. I've been living here for over 6 months and I don't have even one friend. I have Evan and Erik when he's around and that's it. I have no one to talk to or pour my heart out to or just hang out with. Nothing, no one. There's no social events for me to go to, I'm not working much, and I just found out that Arizona is going to classify me as an "out of state" resident and charge me tuition at that rate which means I won't be going back to school as planned either unless I take out loans.

I'm lost and disconnected from everyone and everything. I feel like a robot just repeating the same day over and over again.

and so it begins...

i'm officially undercover and on lock down again. i should of never let this happen, i should be smarter than that by now.

to know me as hardly golden is to know me all wrong...

Ahhhhh, music therapy is AMAZING! I don't know why I don't get it all out of my system earlier. Nothing makes me feel better than amazing music and I've learned how much of an indie guru I'm becoming. After listening to 20 songs and realizing they were all indie, it kind of gave me a heads up, lol. In other fun news, I am sooo completely pumped to go to North Carolina! I FINALLY can LEGALLY have a drink with my best friends in public and I could defenitely use some drinks with the greatest people I know. However, I cannot be held responsible for my actions on this trip because it is a much needed vacation! hahahaha. I've got a week to go and its all I can think about. Well that and doing shoots while I'm there, I need to let my creativity flow before I go insane. Arts are such an outlet, I'd die without them. Anyways, its 3am and I'm hoping to be asleep before 5am so I must go. GOODNIGHT WORLD!!! :D

a swollen heart...

i need a heart to heart badly...i know that sounds cheesy and all kinds of pathetic but its true. i am hopelessly in need of a friend to pour my heart out to or just to get a good solid cry out on. its been years now since i've had someone to do that with and i'm not sure how long i can stay sane and keep it in. i miss becca and jenny and some unamed people more than they know. i might be looking into heading out there sooner than planned to have a mental vacation because god knows its needed.

in the mix of all that i feel like i've lost myself and found myself all at the same time. i've found something that i love doing and could do the rest of my life but in the process i feel like i've lost who i am personally. i don't know what to do with myself really and i just feel alone and lost with no where to turn. i know what i want in life but it all just seems out of reach and like i won't be able to grasp it for a long while.

i don't regret my son for one second but i always wonder if i could take it all back and do it again would i do it the same way? i honestly don't know if i would or wouldn't. i would risk having evan because he means the world to me and i've experienced so much in the last 3 years but mostly i've experienced it alone.

i just want to be content and settled and feel alive again for once. i need something or someone to break the mold for me and make me feel nervous and excited all at the same time. i'm tired of just being wasted space.

i put my money where my mouth is...

I'm not sure what else can be done or said. I feel like I just need to keep it all to myself again. Close it up in a little box inside me never to be verbally mentioned again. this isn't good.

a rock and a hard place.

I have definitely come to a screeching halt. I will keep my words limited but I have a huge rock to climb over and at the moment it seems impossible to surpass. Everyday seems to get more worse and harder to make that climb. Is it just me? Do I do this everytime? Or do I just have bad luck and clash with normalcy? Either way, it doesn't seem things will be moving forward for a while. Maybe after the move things will liven up again. A girl can dream right?