the name of the game is humiliation and thanks for your admiration

I swear my life is nothing but a damn roller coaster. At this point in time I feel like I'm on one of those first couple of loops before the big one but I'm stuck upside down and not moving. I hate not knowing what's going to happen soon. I feel that its not going to work out in the way that I have hoped and that would be bad. I wish I could just get ALL of your thoughts out at once and what the future is going to hold for us. Am I going to finish the loop and keeping heading through the twists and turns? Or am I going to fall out of the ride all on my own?

On another thought, I read a bunch of letters today that made me feel really awkward. It made me feel like I was a repeat, a close replica of someone else and it creeped me out a lot. I feel like I'm just like all the others from everything I read and it made me kind of sad because I feel like I'm nothing different, I'm not special, I'm the same old same old with a new twist. I don't know, maybe I'm being dumb but I swear there were too many things that were alike to not think these things.

let me take you there, i wanna take you there

So after getting it off my chest and telling erik what I had decided..I'm kind of excited. I mean I don't know his feelings on everything yet because he had to leave again but we have almost a month together when I get to hawaii to discuss all our plans on what we're going to do. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself but I feel super impatient to know his thoughts and wants and needs on the situation. I'm hoping that my thoughts and ideas for tomorrow will pan out the way that I want them to and I can really get things started this week before I leave. It ould give me something to look forward to sooner and distract me from the excitement of leaving next Monday. Also, I've got to start fessing up to people soon about everything. I'm only really nervous about telling my parents the truth but I know I need to do it. I was going to do it while I was in Hawaii but now it seems like it would be best if I told them before I left. Or maybe I'll just tell them everything all at once when I get back but they might freak out on me. lol. Either way, I'm ready to start telling everyone everything so I'll stop feeling so damn anxious all the time!

when I'm falling down, you've got to pick me up

That statement is very true at the moment and that's why I've finally made a decision about my dot issue. I cried pretty hard about what I was going to do and I can't handle it. Just the image of it sent every memory I have of it flooding back into my head. I know that I won't be able to do it later if I can't even handle the thought right now. I know you said you're going to support me no matter what I decide so I hope you stick to you word. Its too much for me to handle alone. I have to admit that I feel a million times better now that I have made a decision.

you can take it or leave it, i prefer that you keep it

Shit shit shit shit shit...the only words that can seem to come out of my mouth right now. I don't even know what to say. I was terrified that this would happen and when I started seeing signs and everything I knew it. I tried to lie to myself but its pretty clear and evident now. I don't know how to tell you or anyone for that matter. I'm scarred shitless.