that voice in your head

I hate more than anything that my love life has been surrounded by cheating from the beginning. One of my first boyfriends use to date my best friend(of course we weren't friends when it happened) and was cheating on her with me before he broke up with her and I knew it. Of course I was only 11-12 at the time but still. From there came various guys in and out but no one serious until Corey. Four long years of infidelity and love and just flat out craziness. Our relationship definitely lasted longer than it ever should have but in that time frame I learned so much about love and heartbreak. We just couldn't seem to let go until one day it just got pushed too far and I saw my opportunity to end it and had to make my move. It was best for us both in the long run. From there came Edison who I fell quickly for even though he was on the edge riding that line of commitment and maybe in the long run its my fault for not taking a hint. Three years of me waiting on his every phone call, email, everything. Going days and weeks without hearing from him and supporting him to no end. We were best friends, loved each other indefinitely I felt. No other relationship could touch ours and everyone looked at us as the couple that would last forever but forever came sooner than anyone expected. It only took 2 months after moving to Arizona for him to make the decision to cheat on me. Just two months. Someone who had never touched another before when in a relationship suddenly decided that his marriage wasn't good enough and needed to venture out on his own and not just to anyone but strangers. From there came Selena. His ex girlfriend from high school who backstabbingly made her way into our lives by me. I made the mistake of being a bigger person and trusting her as well. I will NEVER make that mistake again however. I guess my greatest concern is how someone can destroy a marriage by infidelity and never care. This is where my first story will take place. Lewis. Lewis was married to one of my friends from high school and when everything happened with Edison he was there and listened to everything that was going and was just supportive. A few conversations turned into more and then randomly there would be some strong flirty comments he would make. I kind of brushed it off but it kept happening so I mentioned it to my best friends and they told me to vacate that friendship asap. I knew I should have but I didn't want to listen. So I fly home to visit family and he is texting me talking about hanging out and I said yeah sure why don't you bring Carolyn, his wife, along so that its not so weird. He went on stating she won't ever go out because she's obsessed with no one watching their little one. I was still a little iffy but sure enough gave in. We met up at my old high school to chat for a little while and we decided to walk around the school versus sitting in our cars. Well we walk to the back of the school behind the band room and things start to get awkward and I started to feel guilty but then a kiss happens somehow and all those emotions faded. He kissed me with such intense passion that I was swept away immediately. I am a sucker for someone who is passionate and knows what they want and apparently a kiss is all it took from me at that point. He was the first physical contact I had with another man since Edison and I split. He had some length to him but he tools were very skinny so I was somewhat doubtful as to how it was going to play out and much to my surprise he was a prime example of knowing how to use what you have makes all the difference. We finished up, got dressed, and walked back to our cars and left. He sent me a text saying that what just had happen was awesome and that was that.