heart skipped a beat, when i caught it you were out of reach

I think I'm the best at being happy wither it is real happiness or putting on a show. I'm good at hiding my feelings and locking them away in that tiny little corner of my chest called a heart. I'm so over this time period in my life.

call. break. it. off.

I have fallen for a guy who is absolutely amazing and I honestly feel like we just click and are meant to be in each other's lives but the timing is horrible. We fight like cats and dogs already over a lie that was whispered into his ear and there's nothing I can do to change it. I just have to let it be and let him believe and feel how he wants and treat me like I never meant anything to him though I know that's a lie. He wouldn't be reacting the way that he is if he didn't care however I was pushed from the point of tears to anger. After all the fighting and hateful words that were said on Friday night he turns around 2 days later  and says "I don't hate you and if you want to say hi here and there that's fine." Which I immediately flipped out about because I was so pissed and angry at him for being so hateful towards me. I honestly don't know that anyone has ever reacted this way towards me over a rumor. All I could say back was I would really like that and he said "k". Just when I had written him off he made a move for me to not forget him. I just want to scream at him and put all my frustration out on him for not trusting in me then I start to think about his eyes and smile and all the feelings come flooding back again. I go from being upset and angry to just wanting to show up at his door and kiss him.

always up or down, never down and out

I don't know why I let the people I care about get to me so much sometimes. That chapter in my life is officially closing and it sucks but I'm over it. Its sad that at 29 years old some people still can't manage to sort their feelings out and talk out their problems like adults. They would rather go off hear say then just speak to the person but you know maybe its better this way. I don't need that drama in my life anyways. With that being said, I have no regard for his feelings anymore and I will do and see and hang out with whoever I want, whenever I want. Fuck him. His Loss. Normal Jeska is back in action again. ;)

its called break up, cause its broken

Seriously, I don't understand how one person could affect me so dramatically. I mean, yeah, if it were a long term thing it would make sense but it wasn't! I'm all emotionally exhausted and stressed out about someone I barely dated for very long yet cared way too fucking much about and I seriously hate this feeling. The feeling of never winning at this point in my life. Everything is working against me. Ugh. Fuck life these last 10 months, fuck you.

the push

Its a Friday night, I'm upset and have been chatting with this guy online and he seemed pretty cool and easy to talk to and invited me out to this little bar called the coach house. I get there and its a fire hazard waiting to happen. I've never seen so many christmas lights IN MY LIFE and the building its extremely small on top of that...I'd probably say 600 square feet maybe? However that didn't stop me from being amazed and in love with it. Anyways, I find this guy and he's totally unattractive in person and he brought his co-worker with him who is a 50-60 year old angry brit. At first I'm appalled by the old guy's rudeness but then I came to appreciate it the more we talked. I'm totally being nice and acting interested in the conversation with the guy I was meeting up with but I was getting bored so I started to drink a fuck ton more to make the night more entertaining. So there's this group of guys standing behind me and in the midst of being bored out of my skull I hear these guys saying they're wanting to leave and then the other 2 saying they wanted to stay so I turned around and called his friends pusses for wanting to leave. They got a kick out of it but decided to leave or so I thought. I returned back to my odd acquantinces and listen to them ramble some more as I'm starting to drown myself in the vodka crans when these guys walk by again half an hour later and I call them out. They come over and we all start chatting and I blow of the guys I was with and start learning the new guys names and getting to know them a little. One guy in particular, Gary, I know..totally makes me think of spongebob too, is starting to stand out and seem interested so I direct my attention to him. We're chatting it up and having a good time but then 2am rolls around and they're kicking us out of the bar so we start walking towards the exit and him and his friends hop on a golf cart to go back to their hotel and as their leaving Gary tells me to add him on facebook that second so I did. I drove all the way home got in jammies and got in bed then got a facebook message from him stating for me to come over to his hotel. I'm a little reluctant but he promises green fun so I decided to go. I drive all the way back and we smoke some and I choke for a bit since I haven't smoked in so long but I'm starting to feel nice. We head back up to his room and we're talking and chatting then we lay in his bed joking around and he decides to pull out this corny one liner to kiss me. So we start kissing and go from there. He's working with a little smaller than average equipment but pretty decent with foreplay. Once the penetration starts it only lasts for about 10 minutes or so and he apologizes but I was so high I didn't really care at that point. We clean up and snuggle up in bed for a couple of hours before i have to run out the door to get home. We texted here and there but that's about all of the communication we had between us after our hook up which by the way became the first official one night stand I've ever had. From there the dominos began to fall quickly...

that voice in your head

I hate more than anything that my love life has been surrounded by cheating from the beginning. One of my first boyfriends use to date my best friend(of course we weren't friends when it happened) and was cheating on her with me before he broke up with her and I knew it. Of course I was only 11-12 at the time but still. From there came various guys in and out but no one serious until Corey. Four long years of infidelity and love and just flat out craziness. Our relationship definitely lasted longer than it ever should have but in that time frame I learned so much about love and heartbreak. We just couldn't seem to let go until one day it just got pushed too far and I saw my opportunity to end it and had to make my move. It was best for us both in the long run. From there came Edison who I fell quickly for even though he was on the edge riding that line of commitment and maybe in the long run its my fault for not taking a hint. Three years of me waiting on his every phone call, email, everything. Going days and weeks without hearing from him and supporting him to no end. We were best friends, loved each other indefinitely I felt. No other relationship could touch ours and everyone looked at us as the couple that would last forever but forever came sooner than anyone expected. It only took 2 months after moving to Arizona for him to make the decision to cheat on me. Just two months. Someone who had never touched another before when in a relationship suddenly decided that his marriage wasn't good enough and needed to venture out on his own and not just to anyone but strangers. From there came Selena. His ex girlfriend from high school who backstabbingly made her way into our lives by me. I made the mistake of being a bigger person and trusting her as well. I will NEVER make that mistake again however. I guess my greatest concern is how someone can destroy a marriage by infidelity and never care. This is where my first story will take place. Lewis. Lewis was married to one of my friends from high school and when everything happened with Edison he was there and listened to everything that was going and was just supportive. A few conversations turned into more and then randomly there would be some strong flirty comments he would make. I kind of brushed it off but it kept happening so I mentioned it to my best friends and they told me to vacate that friendship asap. I knew I should have but I didn't want to listen. So I fly home to visit family and he is texting me talking about hanging out and I said yeah sure why don't you bring Carolyn, his wife, along so that its not so weird. He went on stating she won't ever go out because she's obsessed with no one watching their little one. I was still a little iffy but sure enough gave in. We met up at my old high school to chat for a little while and we decided to walk around the school versus sitting in our cars. Well we walk to the back of the school behind the band room and things start to get awkward and I started to feel guilty but then a kiss happens somehow and all those emotions faded. He kissed me with such intense passion that I was swept away immediately. I am a sucker for someone who is passionate and knows what they want and apparently a kiss is all it took from me at that point. He was the first physical contact I had with another man since Edison and I split. He had some length to him but he tools were very skinny so I was somewhat doubtful as to how it was going to play out and much to my surprise he was a prime example of knowing how to use what you have makes all the difference. We finished up, got dressed, and walked back to our cars and left. He sent me a text saying that what just had happen was awesome and that was that.

in another life

First post, oh this is going to be a good one. Let's speed you up on everything. My life has always been a whirlwind of emotions and ever changing motions. My family was a mess growing up, I had an interesting high school experience then things got better. Much better, in fact, I thought I was setting sail into the sunset of my life and things were exactly as they should be in any normal person's life. I guess fate wasn't going to have that for me. After a trip visiting with family I came home to find out my husband had been cheating on me. Not only with people he knew but complete strangers(that's as far as I will elaborate on that for now). Within a 2-3 week time span my life was turned upside down. I was heading to divorce and nothing I did or said mattered anymore. The man I loved with all my being turned into someone else and our marriage fell apart spontaneously. I was deeply hurt and confused and lost, well hell, I still am. I decided to turn to the one thing that would make me feel better. Sex. Nothing makes someone feel falsely wanted like meaningless sex. Just to be held for those brief moments intertwined with the opposite sex just does something for one's soul. In a matter of months my "number" doubled and turned me into a temporary sex addict. This blog is pretty much going to be dedicated to my constant struggle of wondering if real love even exists any more. I'm going to share my life experiences of all those who came and went so quickly these last few months and those nights when all I can think about is ending it all. This blog will be nothing but real, honest, raw emotions in an attempt to anchor this heart of mine.

xoxo -Rachel