enjoying the small things...

I don't know what it is but her blog gets me every time. It makes me feel so inspired and the songs are always perfect for what I need to hear for that day. Weither it makes me laugh or cry or dance or smile, its always just right. I've been having a hard time lately with a couple of things and the blog just helps.

I feel so incredibly lonely, I miss so many people. I think about how no other friendship could ever top what Becca, Jenny, and I have. I can try and make it work but it just doesn't seem to fit. The three of us just click and I can always run to them and them to me and the best part is that we all know that. Its an unsaid understanding. We can be so furious with each other and when we need each other none of that other stuff never matters. I wish I could have that here in Hawaii with a couple of my friends but everything seems so one sided here. I like having that never ending support and having that feeling of being able to tell them anything no matter what, some judgement but always in a positive light. I just don't trust anyone here enough to open up to them at all. I feel like yes, they know what I like and what I would do and my taste in certain things but I don't feel like they really know me at all. How do you cope with that? I feel like everything is kept inside again and I don't know how to let it out. Erik would usually be my vent of frustration or sadness but he's not here and maybe that's why it seems twice as bad right now. I just need a really good cry or something and someone to pour my heart to for a change. Blogging and writing always helps but a shoulder would be nice to have too.

I also miss you. I'm so proud of you and can't believe that after all this time(even though i guess it hasn't been that long) that you finally reached your goal. I think about you up there on the podium doing what you do best and wondering how great your kids are and if the guard sucks or not, lol. I know you're doing an amazing job and I hope you get to hear that from time to time and that you will continue to hear that. I hope I'll get to see you one day "in action" though I'm sure its what I've always seen just with a title now but I'd still like to see it one day. I miss having you as a friend. You were my best friend and I know it was really hard but I had to let things happen the way they did so that you could move on and make a life that didn't involve me even though I know that was not what you wanted at all at the time. I do hate that I did it in the manner that I did though and I'm sorry for that. I hope you don't hate me for it. I'll never forget the time we shared together.

Lastly, my little baby is now considered a toddler! I can't believe he's a year old. I know my birthday is going to be another crappy one for the second year in a row but there's no one else I would rather spend it with than my little man. His smile makes my days better. I don't think I could ever be more grateful for one thing in my life that wasn't him.

i must be a magnet

I don't know why but I seem to always, I mean ALWAYS attract selfish friends. I have to have surgery because I have a TUMOR and my best friend is only worried about her own situation. Yes, she's having a baby but she has other people to help her and I don't. I'm sorry I can't watch your son because I'm having a life threatening ordeal going on in my life. I'm sorry that my husband is pretty much assured on a time frame on when to come home and yours isn't but could you at least be a little more considerate for God's sake? Why can't you understand what I'm going through and be here for me instead of only worrying about yourself? I just don't get it, I really don't.

keeping quiet

I'm having a hard night tonight. I was doing fine with the whole tumor news but now after reading about the kind I have and all the things that go with it, I'm getting worried. I won't know any more news on it either until late next week. I'm hoping to postpone the surgery until after I get back from the mainland. I really wish I had Erik here to talk to right now. I'm trying to be strong on my own but its hard when something like this is going on and you have minimal communication where you have to wait up to a week to hopefully get any kind of response back. I don't know what to do or think or anything. I feel like I have no one to talk to about it at all. The only person I trust is probably thousands of miles away from me right now. I said something to Holli but its hard to open up to anyone here when I feel like everything is going to repeated to everyone else. I don't know what to do and I don't want to scare everyone. I just need to keep quiet for now I guess and just breathe....

even while you're sleeping..

I love my son so much, I can't truly ever express how much love I have for him. He's already in bed and while I love having the break, it makes me sad at the same time because I want to play with him and kiss him and hold him. I know I say it over and over again but I don't think anyone can ever know this kind of love until they have a child of their own. Its SO STRONG! I don't think anything could ever break our bond. Its not like loving your spouse, its beyond that. Its like unconditional love times infinity. Nothing could ever take me away from him. He is my whole entire world, the reason I live, my everything.

everything i learned about breaking hearts, i learned from you...

True story. I dreamt alot about you last night and it made me miss you. I know I shouldn't but I did.