I don't know what it is but her blog gets me every time. It makes me feel so inspired and the songs are always perfect for what I need to hear for that day. Weither it makes me laugh or cry or dance or smile, its always just right. I've been having a hard time lately with a couple of things and the blog just helps.
I feel so incredibly lonely, I miss so many people. I think about how no other friendship could ever top what Becca, Jenny, and I have. I can try and make it work but it just doesn't seem to fit. The three of us just click and I can always run to them and them to me and the best part is that we all know that. Its an unsaid understanding. We can be so furious with each other and when we need each other none of that other stuff never matters. I wish I could have that here in Hawaii with a couple of my friends but everything seems so one sided here. I like having that never ending support and having that feeling of being able to tell them anything no matter what, some judgement but always in a positive light. I just don't trust anyone here enough to open up to them at all. I feel like yes, they know what I like and what I would do and my taste in certain things but I don't feel like they really know me at all. How do you cope with that? I feel like everything is kept inside again and I don't know how to let it out. Erik would usually be my vent of frustration or sadness but he's not here and maybe that's why it seems twice as bad right now. I just need a really good cry or something and someone to pour my heart to for a change. Blogging and writing always helps but a shoulder would be nice to have too.
I also miss you. I'm so proud of you and can't believe that after all this time(even though i guess it hasn't been that long) that you finally reached your goal. I think about you up there on the podium doing what you do best and wondering how great your kids are and if the guard sucks or not, lol. I know you're doing an amazing job and I hope you get to hear that from time to time and that you will continue to hear that. I hope I'll get to see you one day "in action" though I'm sure its what I've always seen just with a title now but I'd still like to see it one day. I miss having you as a friend. You were my best friend and I know it was really hard but I had to let things happen the way they did so that you could move on and make a life that didn't involve me even though I know that was not what you wanted at all at the time. I do hate that I did it in the manner that I did though and I'm sorry for that. I hope you don't hate me for it. I'll never forget the time we shared together.
Lastly, my little baby is now considered a toddler! I can't believe he's a year old. I know my birthday is going to be another crappy one for the second year in a row but there's no one else I would rather spend it with than my little man. His smile makes my days better. I don't think I could ever be more grateful for one thing in my life that wasn't him.
