amber is the color of your energy

I'm having trouble realizing that I have 2.5 weeks until hawaii. haha. I mean I'm so super stoked but I feel like its not real though still. Its awesome that I get to go to hawaii but I'm really honestly just ready to see erik again. Everyone is always asking me how I'm able to deal with him being so far away and all I can say is I don't know because I really don't. I'm going through major withdrawals yes but I haven't had a major break down yet. I feel like its coming but I think it will happen after I get back home from hawaii. I know once I go out there I won't want to leave him for nothing in the world. He makes me feel incredible and all I want is to be with him. Spend the rest of my life with him. I know he wants me to go back to school and yes I do too but if it doesn't work out that I can go back I'm really going to have trouble staying here. All I'll do is be this sadden person who's always missing him and smiles everyday to try and fake it through. =(

you could be happy and i won't know...

After reading certain feelings of others I thought I would reflect on them. In 4 years, there was more drama and infidelity in a relationship than should ever be. Through all that though, was I ever happy. Yes. I was. A couple of times. Those first few months were amazing. You treated me so well(i thought) and wrote to me constantly and we spent so much time together. Of course that bit me in the ass later but whatever. Then it was rough through the ups and downs of me and kyle and everything else. I was finally starting to get better and I was becoming happy about our relationship again. Then bam! I find out about you and Jessie hanging out behind my back again. Everything falls again. But the last and I have to say THE HAPPIEST time in our relationship would be the begining of this year. From February to April. I had never felt your love like I did then. You made me so incredibly happy, I thought then in those months that everything was finally going to be okay and we would actually move on and technically start our relationship over the right way for once. Of course, fate didn't have that in the cards for us. We found out about our surprise and then you destroyed every last ounce of my being. Everything was over at this point. I don't know why we even tried anymore. Well I guess I didn't because you said plenty that night with Alison. I don't think you ever and still don't understand what you did to me. Just the mere thought of it makes me cry, like I'm doing now. I don't expect anything from you anymore. Not even friendship really. I'd like it but I know I won't really receive it. You're blinded by "something" that I think will destroy you and hurt you but you won't look at it like that. You don't see what everyone else sees. I only wish you happiness.

this isn't how i go...

I'm just going to pretend that you AREN'T being the asshole I know you are. You KNOW its unfair and COMPLETELY wrong for you to try and place the blame of an accident that you were in, in YOUR car on me. It was technically both of our faults but for your parents to try and say fuck her and put the financial responsibility for something I didn't do is ridiculous. I know that you're parents never liked me, that's okay. You keep blowing me off everytime I try to talk to you or try to make amends to things, that's okay too. This though, is not okay and I can't even believe that you would do this to me. I thought you cared for me but I guess a new twinkle has caught your eye and dropped any notion of me.


Now I will try to breathe. I can't believe how lucky I am to have you. When I'm upset you are understanding, you don't force yourself on me, you wait for me to come to you. Every flaw I have or have done that I tell you, you brush off and tell me how you don't love me any less for it.
I don't know how we had the random possibility of meeting but a day never goes by that you don't make me smile. You can be 4, 500 miles away (which you're about to be!!!) and still make me the happiest girl in the world. You ARE my one and only.

i'm miles from where you are..

Man, talk about a test of time. The thought of being alone for so long scares me to death and I don't know why. Like right now (and usually as of lately when I wasn't in VA) I'm all alone sitting by myself. There's no one here and all I hear are the sounds of the people outside. My friends don't come around that often because they're busy or have some stupid excuse as to why they can't do things. The one person I thought who would never leave my side has been gone for weeks. Not that its a bad thing, its probably for the best because he's moving on and becoming happy again but it still sucks either way. Then I have the most amazing guy I have ever known but he's gone and I miss him more than anything and there's nothing I can do about it for another 46 days. Time makes the heart grow fonder well fuck that, lol. It doesn't make my tears stop falling that's for sure. I don't know, I just need my friends and everyone more than ever right now but they're no where to be found and who would of guessed?